1 year -- looking back

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For those whom are not familiar w/ my abbreviations:
TTC = trying to conceive
CHI = Children's Hope Int'l, our adoption agency
ETH = Ethiopia (okay, you totally should have known that one!)
WSW = our wonderful social worker, Jacque @ Glenkirk Adoptions
AAC = our amazing adoption consultant, and general life counselor, Toni @ CHI
RSD = Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. This is a chronic, often degenerative disease, of the sympathetic nervous system, which I have had since April of 2003. I currently have neuro-stimulator implants in my spinal cord to control the symptoms, but have been in remission since May of this year, and thus have turned off the implants. I am not on any drug therapy currently. Yeah!!!
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Well -- tomorrow will be October 10th. The day it all really started. Not the day we got married or the day we decided to have kids, or even the day we started TTC*. But the day we found we could not conceive and the day we decided our child is in ETH and we just have to find him/her. The day we knew CHI was going to help us find our child. The day we began our journey for Sam.

How do I feel? I'm not going to lie or even sugar-coat it. I'm frustrated and pissed off. Yesterday Gregg asked what I wanted to do for our anniversary (later this month) and I almost started to cry because we just naturally assumed we would have our baby in our arms at this point in time. I never would have dreamt that we wouldn't even have our dossier out by now.
My WSW told me yesterday "if we don't have the Foster License next week, I'll start bugging people." I wanted to scream START BUGGING PEOPLE NOW. But I respect that she has to work w/ DCFS every day, and I'm not the only mom-to-be she works with, and she cannot risk pissing off DCFS for future families. Speaking of which, my AAC scanned & sent the original letter from my specialist & WSW said that should suffice regarding my RSD.

I think Gregg is a little numb at this point. He said yesterday that he won't really let himself get excited until we are on the plane heading home, because he is afraid that, at any point in time, someone will "pull the plug" and decide we cannot have our child. I think in reality, he will let himself get excited when we get the referral. He is being a sport about shopping and setting up the nursery, and getting gender-neurtral clothing, but he isn't like me. On a scale from 1-10, Gregg is about a 4 now, and I'm definitely "one more, an 11" (all hail Spinal Tap!)

I got some super-cute tees from Tiny Rock Star & Tiny Revalutionary (thank you Stacie Dixon for posting those on your blog.) I have them in the top drawer of the finished dresser and took them out and looked at them again this morning. I so despirately want to see them on our child.

I think all my fall projects will help fill my time, but won't fill the whole that is growing in my heart. Only my child can fill that. Don't get me wrong, I have more love in my life than should be legal. I have a truly amazing husband. Seriously, I often wonder how I got so very lucky to have him in my life. He is so funny & smart & super-hot (which shouldn't matter, but is really nice "gravy") He is my rock. I love him more than words could ever adequately express. I have a fabulous family. My sisters & mom & dad support me no matter what, and are as excited as I am for our baby to come home. I have cousins & aunts & uncles loving this baby already. I'm very blessed because my family is more than family. I can honestly say I would chose them out of all the families in the world to be mine. I have some of the best friends a girl could ever wish for, both in the city, and around the country/world. I cannot complain. But I still ache for my child, and have so much room in my heart for the love you can only experience as a mommy.

So Sam, know that I love you whether you have been born yet or not. Know that I'll find you no matter how long and hard the journey is. Know that I'll come get you and bring you home as soon as possible. Know that you've been loved and longed for and dreamt of longer than any homegrown child ever could be. Know that I will not allow another year to pass without you in my arms.