It's 3:30 and yes that's a glass of wine

So, it's 3:30 in the afternoon, and I have a lovely glass of red beside the computer. to prove I'm not being melodramatic, see above picture -- the stove clock is my witness!

Why, you ask, am I having a glass of wine before 5 pm? Because, my friend, in the world of ETH adoption, mommy's aren't allowed Ativan. It seems the ETH gov't (bless them, bless them, bless them for allowing us to adopt their orphans) see prescription antidepressants in a slightly more negative light than we do in the States. I know what your thinking... "Gosh, if you are infertile and you work with 5 Fertile Mertyls at the office, wouldn't anyone be a bit depressed?" I cannot answer that question in the global sense, but this mommy-to-be sure has her Blue days. This is one of them. In fact, it's almost turquoise over here.

I haven't heard from the SW since 9/15, and that was an email telling me that the server at the office had been down for 2 days, so she would be getting my homestudy out on Friday, not Wednesday. On Friday I emailed...On Monday I emailed...Today I emailed and called. I know this is not our biggest wait, but it seems to me the homestudy is the biggest hurdle, and once that's done everything else is pretty routine paperwork. We have been vetted by local, state, and fed gov't, and approved by our agency. "The homestudy is connected to the 171-H, and the 171-H is connected to the Visa, and (everyone sing in tune w/ "dem bones!") without the Visa you don't travel!" So everything hangs in balance waiting for the homestudy.

Now, I am sure that our SW is overworked and underpaid because, lets face it, anyone who does an important job for families (teachers, daycare workers, nurses, speech therapists, stay at home mommies, etc, etc) is overworked and underpaid. BUT I am shelling out $2500 for this report, so I would like to see a little hussle! We had our first home visit 6-23, and our follow-up to discuss the 40 pages of essay questions in mid August. It's now almost October.
I would really like a return call, or an email, or a copy of the freakin' homestudy in my mailbox, the original of which has been forwarded to DCFS for approval!!!

LONG SIP FROM THE WINE GLASS.
REPEAT.

Okay, I'm calmer now.

So -- what I'm doing positive to keep busy & not freak out about the late homestudy:

1. Praying. I'm praying for all obstacles to be removed, so the homestudy can be completed, approved, certified, and forwarded to USCIS in a timely fashion. I'm praying for all obstacles to be removed so we are united with our child as soon as possible. I'm praying for healing if our child's biological mom/dad/etc. are sick and/or hungry, (please don't be true) our child is sick and/or hungry. I'm praying for compassion so I don't get jealous of other moms/babies/moms-to-be.

2. Moved the rocker/recliner upstairs to the nursery. See above picture. Believe it or not, this rocker/recliner was "rescued" (ie: liberated) from a dumpster some 15 years ago during my Purdue days. It was used as found, in a lovely nubby brown & blue plaid, smelling of beer and cigars, for a year. Then it was steam cleaned and used with a floral slip cover for several years. When I moved to Chicago I finally had the money to have it re-upholstered professionally. I loved the job they did, but shortly thereafter got a cat, who wasn't declawed, and the back of the recliner became quickly juilianned into fine strips. About 3 years ago, we had it re-upholstered again, in the current fabric. I love, love, love the fabric! Its been sitting in the basement, with all the other FFBM (furniture from before marriage) since then. Thankfully, Jazz (the offending cat) currently wears kitty nails, so she cannot damage furniture or people. You'll notice my Piece of Africa quilt prominently displayed on the recliner. Doesn't it look gorgeous?! Next to the recliner is the child chair my Uncle Walter made me when I was born. Even though it says "Megan" I'm hoping my kids will use and love as much as I do.

3. Found the trim piece I want for the dresser. Will pick it up on Sunday from HD, along with some more poly. I had mistakenly poly'd several times this week, but because of humidity, there are bubbles in the finish. So, I need to do a light sanding and open a new can, and make sure the humidity is below 40%. I may just bring it in the house, poly w/ the windows open, and then crank the AC. The knobs we picked out will be available at Lowes next week.

4. I'm going to finally!!! bring my sewing machine upstairs and plop it on the dining room table. We NEVER eat in there, so it's really a giant in-box for mail, books, phones, and medical records I need to reveiw. I figure if the sewing machine is upstairs staring at me, I'm likely (uhem, more likely) to actually get off my duff and use it.

5. To aide with #4, I'm going to measure and pick out material for the nursery curtains. I think I'm going to do 1 full across per window, and use some nice gro-grain ribbon for tie-backs (or maybe make ties out of the fabric scraps?) We have full blinds, so the curtains are pure decoration.

Okay, I'm feeling better already. I'll be productive and it will make the time more bearable.
Thanks for listening to my rant.

The HONEST (is there any other kind?) TRUTH

So -- it took Gregg about 5 minutes to figure out what's wrong today, why I've been short, snappy and downright unpleasant. Deep breath, here it is:

Another girl in the office is preg and she's due around Christmas. Now, I am NOT one of those infertile girls who gets angry and mad when someone else is pregnant. Green is just not my color. I am overjoyed for them, and if a close friend, thrilled there will be yet another baby in my life.

That being said, we started this process last October. At that time, there had been no babies in my firm for over 4 years. So when people learned we were going to adopt, it was "Finally! a baby in the office!" Then, boom! three girls announced they were pregnant. THREE. They had their babies back-to-back-to-back this Spring. They are gorgeous, healthy, strong boys, every one.

So in late Spring, I thought, "okay, I'll be next." And then, boom! Another girl announced she was pregnant and due around Thanksgiving. I thought, "are you freakin' kidding me??" But was happy for her. So I'm okay about it, thinking, "okay, but no one else is preg so I am definitely next!"

Then yesterday, BAM! outta left field. Another girl is pregnant, due around Christmas!

Now, let's be real for a moment here. There is little chance our dossier will be out by Christmas (see prior post regarding our home study), and NO CHANCE we will have a referral by then. Please know I wish this girl only the best. Seriously. She has been married 7 or 8 years, and has deferred having a baby to instead care for her adult brother who is developmentally delayed (now in a group home), and father who has end-stage Alzheimers. She is a really sweet and genuine girl with boatloads of moxy -- a girl after my own heart. If ANYONE deserves to be pregnant right now, it is her.

But, to recap: five girls in the office having babies in the same span of time we have been in the process of adoption and we don't have our freakin' home study yet. I mean, gimme a break! Seriously! Did I do something really bad and piss off the entire universe??

I'm going to be fine. I'm going to open my bottle of Pinot Noir (Red Bicycle from France -- hello Target!), and sit down on the couch, and eat the yummy in my tummy veggie fried rice my husband is making upstairs right now. But GEEEEEEEEZ I could really use a break here.

We need to get our home study. We need referrals to start again. We need some hope in this process.

WHERE in the heck is our Home Study????

Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow our home study will be 2 1/2 weeks late from the date our SW told us it would be done. Best of all (I am obviously being sarcastic here, but you cannot hear the tone or timber of my voice so I'm cluing you in) I have not heard hide nor hair of my lovely SW. So, I don't know if she is on vacation OR trapped underneath something heavy, like a deep freezer. I don't know if I should call the police OR a psychoanalyst to make sure I'm not paranoid and just going slightly loopy-crazy.

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
frustrated, but I also know we have been fortunate with the timing of a lot of our paperwork. I should not complain, because I know that we will be united with OUR CHILD, and maybe OUR CHILD has not yet been born/ brought to the orphanage.

I feel like screaming, but I also cannot imagine what some of the other ETH families have endured, liking changing countries/programs/SW agencies/adoption agencies, and waiting, waiting, waiting for referrals.

So, I will go home, have a glass of wine (which at this point should be called whine) and meditate on the fact that everything will be already.

I will pray, pray, pray for referrals tomorrow for the families on the list.
I will cross my fingers and toes that we get the home study tomorrow.
I will get ready for my BFF Jaye coming for a visit tomorrow night. I have missed her terribly since our wedding in 2006.
I will call and talk to my Em, and think about visiting her next week, if it works out w/ my sis.
I will be glad for my family, hubby, cat, dog, house, car, clothing (although I do not currently like the dress size of said clothing), and be thankful for my good health and the fact I'm currently in remission.
I will not dwell on this home study being late and WILL NOT, repeat WILL NOT let it ruin my evening w/ my sweetie -- since he's going to be out of town this weekend, and we do not like being separated.

Deep breathe. Exhale. repeat. Deep breathe. Exhale. repeat. Deep breathe. Exhale. repeat. Deep breathe. Exhale. repeat. Deep breathe. Exhale. repeat. Deep breathe. Exhale. repeat.

'Pitty Poor Me' Day

Okay, the last post was a bit angry & Gregg said I was being very mean/angry this morning. That's not productive. I was online and checked out the blogs of several other Ethiopia families I met through the Yahoo group, and feel much better. The families who are still waiting are showing extreme amounts of patience and grace. The families who have returned, have gorgeous,healthy, bright children and feel every second of the wait was worthwhile. I know I'm just having a "pitty poor me" day and need to snap out of it. Maybe a trip to Babies R Us will lift my spirits?

I am also journaling, at the suggestion of our wonderfully & supportive social worker, Jacque, and our amazing adoption consultant, Toni. I am writing the journal as an on-going letter to our child, I guess almost as the beginning of Sam's adoption narrative. I'm including my feelings, fears & hopes, along with photographs. Some day (circa age 20?) I hope to give it to Sam, so he can understand an appreciate everything that happened to bring him into our family. Of course, I'll have a scrapbook/photobook that Sam will see and add to from day 1, but I think Mommy's little nervous breakdowns should be reserved for an older, more mature audience. Don't you agree?

This is a crap shoot

Okay, I just finished watching 7 back episodes of "Adoption Stories" on Discovery Health that were recorded on the DVR. Honestly, I'm not feeling really good now. It seems this is all just a crap shoot. Some referrals/placements happen 2 minutes after you submit your paperwork -- others 2 years. There does not appear to be any rhyme or reason. If your US paperwork goes quickly, you'll be held-up on the child's home-country Visa or adoption. Or, if your US paperwork takes forever, the home-country Visa is issued without delay. OR the US paperwork is painfully slow AND the home-country Visa/adoption hits red-tape delays. OR everything happens smoothly all around (not likely.)

I KNOW everyone says have faith and it will happen when its supposed to. But, I feel like I've already been waiting 35 years to be a mom, and some paper-pusher in Washington, or Springfield is preventing me from being a mom NOW.

I think I'm just having one of those days...I'm sure everyone else does as well.